Today Mr Smith took me, the dog and the Apprentice to Kent to survey his new property which I have to point out is actually my purchase not his and he didn't so much as hold the end of a tape measure; he looked after the dog. Who's the chartered surveyor? The problem I have with this flat is, whilst I happily admit it is amazing value for the money especially as it has a sea view, it is a right old granny pad. Sows ears and silk purses come to mind. I hate most of it, Mr Smith bigs it up and the Apprentice measures things and does sharp intakes of breath at the electrics. "Only one socket for the whole room, shocking." That's fine for me. "That'll have to go so we can wall mount the telly and wire in the surround system, sky box and subwoofer." The dog and I look perplexed. Mr Smith nods in a pretendy knowy way. There then follows a "circuits" monologue. I take out my picture of a sofa and show it to the nice agent. She cleverly suggests where the best place for it would be in the room and tells me of a great local carpet man. Oh how kind. He's probably her uncle. The Apprentice looks in the mains box and does tutting. Mr Smith nods some more. I measure up the windows.
We had lunch at a lovely gastro pub run by Sophie Rees-Jones's brother. It smelt strongly of horse manure- perhaps they should consider relocating the muck heap. It is next to a beautiful ancient little church - the restaurant not the horse poo - with those funny box pews and a pulpit with a roof.
We then went to Dungeness. We thought a nuclear walk was what we needed but the dog complained it was too hot and Mr Smith had his face on so we went to Ashford Retail Outlet where I bought a pair of shoes two sizes too big and a woolen poncho from Ralph Lauren because it was reduced from £270 to £99.99. I didn't try it on as it is the hottest day in August. I am sure it will come in handy for wintry walks by the power station near the extended airport. Now you know why property is so bon marche in that part of the world.
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