T time

My online friend, T, is coming to stay tomorrow.  We are supposed to going to a seminar on death. I would rather die.  Well, having bought a ticket and one for my mate Rolls too, I am not sure I want to go.  It is all a bit yingyyangy for me.  I will go to the opening knees up tomorrow and spend Saturday painting and playing and pretending to be at a seminar on death.  After all I am immortal.

I have never actually met T so it will be interesting to meet her in the flesh after writing to each other every day for the past few months.  Gosh, I do hope we get on.  I know she is very large so I hope she can fit her ample arse into my small car.  I mustn't make any comment as I don't want to upset her.

I am crap at Bokwa, my new dance class. But I will only get better with practice.  It is so very confusing for my very small brain.  I will persist until I get it sorted out.

I feel a bit rubbish at everything right now and have an awful stomach ache.  I wonder if it's a stomach ulcer or perhaps it is the cheese on toast I had before going to Bokwa.

Mr Smith is going to stay with his mother in Yorkshire this weekend.  I think the idea of two fat ladies has made him flee oop north.

It's my birthday next week.  That's exciting.

Eliminations

Thunderous headaches are not caused by my eyes.  New specs, old eyes are fine.

Thunderous headaches could be triggered by:-

. Sugar overload, particularly chocolate
. Exercise, oh dear
. Dreadful shoulder which gets worse with exercise
. Stress - but I am not particularly stressed
. Something else.

I probably need to take up yoga - but I hate yoga.  Words I dislike of that ilk - ying and yang, yoghurt, tofu, guru, mantra, silly little candles, incense, wok, joss sticks, sushi, mung beans, bean curd, alfalfa, hemp, jute, lemongrass, balm, linseed, this list is not exhaustive.

I like roast beef with Yorkshire pudding, gravy and roast potatoes and leeks with treacle sponge for pudding - two helpings, all served after a good traditional Church of England Sunday service.  I also like a plaster if I cut my finger, a paracetamol if I have a headache (or an axe) and the national health service for the delivery of a baby.

Off to pick up new spectacles and pay for the dog's manicure - not all at the same place.  Then to the market but I fear it may rain and I have hidden my mac somewhere in this terribly tidy house.

I have nice hair today.  Just thought you might like to know that.

It's all better now

Our house is ridiculously tidy.  Maybe someone will buy it if the estate agents get on with it.  Whilst I was holed up with my terrible headache my boys rushed around ramming things in cupboards trying their best to make it all look like a magazine.  I have just found a cauliflower in the saucepan cupboard and some cheese in the washing machine.  I wiped and scrubbed and polished and people various stampeded through our house.  I am not that fussed about selling it really.  I just wish they would all go away.

The sale of our house in Worthing fell through.  They didn't really have the money.  So back to the drawing board with that one.  I expect it will sit on the market forever until I go and live in it and make it all lovely. I quite like Worthing but terraced housing is a bit of a nightmare.  I have done it before so I can probably do it again if I have to.  Not sure about Mr Smith.  I might put him in storage.

I keep putting on weight.  Must be something I ate.  Early water exercises today.  I would much rather stay in bed.

House beautiful

We did it.  Our house was all sparkly and enthusiastic estate agents stampeded round.  Then we messed it all up again.

It snowed.  How it snowed.  But now it is sunny and the snow has gone away revealing a messy garden to match our messy house.  I have to tidy it all up for forthcoming photographers.  I can't because I am holed up in bed with a monstrous headache you can see from space. Mr Smith will just have to show willing.  I don't think he knows how.

I have successfully stayed off the booze for all of January so far.  Clever me.

Gosh, my head hurts.

Don't open any cupboards

We are cleaning our house.  Oh how we clear and chuck and recycle and chas shop all our surplus crap.  We want to sell our house so we are baking bread and arranging flowers like mad.  In the meantime Mad Carina is cleaning the kitchen and the Best Boy and Apprentice are never allowed any meals ever again.  I have to keep it clean.

I loaded up my shopping trolly to brimming with masses of junk to find to my horror the shop was closed today so I brought it all home.

Right back to the grindstone.  Carina, you've missed a bit. Mr Smith who gave you permission to sit down eh?

Self help

A third of the way through the Dryathlon and I am doing well.  Not a drip has passed my lips.

Today's room for clearing and cleaning was the sitting room. It's amazing what lives behind ones sofa.  Every room I clear gets me closer to selling this house. I have done four rooms so far but, short of cling filming them, I cannot think how I will keep them tidy.

I am detoxing which means I am grumpy and very tired and fucking hungry.  I think I will wear my onesie and watch Embarrassing Bodies for mental stimulation.

Heard David Bowie's new song?  Dreadful dirge.  I liked gene genie -  now let yourself go, like I did at the weekend bopping around the flat giving poor Margaret Below a headache. Mr Smith was at golf.  He had better not be at golf tomorrow as he has the two worst rooms in the house to sort out.  I have just elected them to him in his absence.

Oh no, the washing machine is throwing out water from some bit at the back.  Maybe I will throw it out and get one that actually works without you having to kick start it every bloomin wash.  I can't get to the back of it.  We may need a man.... And I don't mean Mr Useless Smith.

Vet for all

Day 9 on the Dryathlon.  I should now feel the benefits but actually I feel vile.  I think I have liver problems and need to give this much abused organ a rest. So I am going to cut out dairy products for a bit and investigate milk thistle which is supposed to be kind to livers.  Mr Smith is ordering the firing squad.  Mr Smith can just make me green tea with no milk and we will be happy.

Enough moaning and time to get into gear.  I am taking the dog to the vet this morning to be inoculated and sort out his dreadful fur loss.  Poor animal looks so moth eaten.  I love him so much but I do wish he wasn't so bald.  I wonder if the vet could sort me out too.

I cleared the sewing/ironing room, freecycled a load of junk and died of exhaustion. The clearance took me hours and hours.  The carpet was the worst bit because all the little threads stick to it and defy even Mr Dyson's best technology.  I swept.  The room now looks so perfect .... DON'T OPEN THE CUPBOARD you will never get it closed again.

Internet Dating Jane popped round to pick up a padded mirror.  I was delighted to not only offload the mirror but also some more padding.  I was wondering what to do with that.  I hadn't seen ID Jane for ages so it was nice to catch up.  She is trying for a baby.  She is too old.  Oh well, good luck to her.

And what room is it today?  Can I have a day of rest please?  I need it.

Little boxes

Found the shed key and got painting.  Well done me.  I mapped out two pictures of houses having vowed not to do houses as they take ages and I am a bit sick of them.  Nine houses is too many so I settled for five but I then decided to do a parallel painting of four houses .... Even my rubbish maths knows that makes nine.  Anyway, I got everything down on the canvas and now it is all detail.

Not only that but I also cleared up our dining room fit for marketing.  Just another ten rooms to go and we're off.  I suggested Mr Smith lent a hand so he wrote a list and demanded both an upstairs and a downstairs room to be cleared every day.  Oh great!

Gazumpedz

Ooh what a great weekend.  Having finished a painting on Thursday and lost the shed key, we went off to Kent to buy a new bathroom.  Hooray, our nasty old dirty beige ablutions chamber is to become crisp and white and clean and elegant.  Then nobody will be allowed to use it because I want it to stay perfect forever.  I then spent Saturday morning performing DIY tasks.  I painted a chest of drawers green, with a few splodgy bits where it went wrong, for Mr Smith to house his vestments.  Then I upholstered my chaise thingy that I bought last weekend.  I did a sterling job and hammered in all my neat little upholstery pins but ran out.  I will order more.  Actually it looks better without them but I have started now so will have to consistently ruin the whole thing rather than just half of it.  I then made a couple of matching cushions and also did lots of little mending jobs and was just thoroughly handy.  Such a busy little bee.  I was very tired at the end of it all.

We made a hideous mistake on Saturday night and ended up at a cabaret restaurant with a Tom Jones tribute man.  Oh it was ghastly.  We left.  We won't go there again.  Romney Marsh is definitely thirty years back in time with no Internet and hardly any mobile phones as you can't get a signal.

Somebody bought the house I wanted.  I had my heart set on that house; it was perfect.  Oh well, it's now someone else's dream home and I bet they rip out the aga.  I might cry.  I bet it was a developer.  They will tart it up and sell it for millions.

Oh good, no hurry to sell the family hovel now.  I am going to paint two pictures this week and feel contented.  Mr Smith must not disturb my creative flow.

Procrastinating Princess

I MUST finish my painting today.  In fact I really ought to be doing that right now rather than lounging in bed writing about it.

Yesterday I made a master plan of clearing a room a day.  Right which room is it today? Asks Mr Smith.  No idea, have a painting to finish.  Maybe the loo, that doesn't look too much like hard work - oh, on second thoughts it needs redecorating.

Today's goals/tasks:

Tip everything out of wardrobe.  Do 3 piles: Faith, Hope and Charity.  Faith - I have faith that one day it will fit me so I will keep it.  Hope - I hope I don't regret throwing this away.  Charity shop (sometimes with labels still attached).  Everyone must have bonkers buys occasionally.

Clear our dining room.

These could take me all day especially if I search several more sites to write about it all first.  Then I will do a little dance, stare into space a bit, have a cup of tea and read the paper.  Oh God, the painting, the painting.  OK, I'm coming.

House for Sale ... Hovel actually

I have just read about an amazing man, Richard Roberts, who last year decided to do something for the first time every day of the year.  He did some fun stuff such as falconry, drinking armadillo milk and walking like an Egyptian.  Well done him.  So I have decided to try a few new things.  Hoovering is fairly novel for me along with getting up before 10am and eating sitting down.  Alright, those are not proper things but maybe I will do the odd new thing and tell you about it.

Today I am decorating a chest of drawers that I started about 5 years ago when I decided to paint it in a seaside theme.  I got as a far as a few mackerel and mussels and waves and sand but it all got horrible hard work so I left it for a bit ..... Quite a big bit.  Mr Smith now needs a chest of drawers for the Kent flat and I could either buy him one or utilise this one.  So Farrow&Ball and  I will make this match my newly acquired kitchen dresser.  Yes, I have a kitchen dresser in my bedroom and very smart it looks too.  I have so far done a spot of sanding and then primed it.  There are star fish glaring through and relief waves on the top.  Oh blow.  Many layers me thinks.  I wonder how well covering the paint might be.

I decided today to set out a strategy for clearing up this house in order to market it.  Step one: clear up a room a day.  Today I chose a room that needs no clearing.  Brilliantly flawed as there is a danger of moving things from one room to another and not really tackling the rubbish.  I can just go Oh look this room is perfect whilst you cannot open the door of the next one.  I need to watch lots of tv programmes about hoarding.  Then I need to order a skip.  No not really, but a trip to the odd charity shop and tip wouldn't go amiss.

I want to know just how annoying the man in Bromley M&S was to cause a woman to hit him with her trolly so hard he needs intensive care in hospital.  I hope he doesn't die but I do understand her plight - she went off her trolly!  I feel quite the same myself sometimes in Sainsburys which is why Mr Smith now does our supermarket shopping.

Got frightfully fat over Christmas.  What's new?  Anyway I am now on Day 2 of the Dryathlon and feel all virtuous and sober.  Long may it last.

http://www.justgiving.com/dryathlete-annabel-church-smith

HAPPY NEW 2013

Ooooh Good Morning World and Happy New Year.  It has stopped raining, the sun shineth and I am happy.  I feel a bit sick from overindulgence but will now sort that out, once I have polished off the last mince pie, bit of Christmas cake and panettone. 

I am on the Dryathlon for Cancer relief which means no booze for January www.dryathlon.org.uk.
I cannot work out how to donate so as fast as I am getting in donations I cannot register them ... groan.  Oh all things computery!

Now what does 2013 hold in store for me?  A new seaside bathroom.  An exhibition .. of about three paintings unless I get cracking.  A Caribbean holiday for all. A new house?  Maybe. Have to sell this hovel first.  It has a lot to live up to 2012 which was my favourite year. So many brilliant things happened.  I sold my flat, bought another one, got a great arty summer job, went to Biarritz, went to Nevis twice, went to the Olympics and painted loads of fun pics.  I'm sure I did lots of other fun things but I've forgotten.  There was hardly a dull moment.  It was such a great year.  And now it's another one.

Off to buy calendars.  One for work, one for play and one for the Best Boy who never seems to know if he is coming or going.  It might help?!