Objects trouvé

What is really good about packing and having to go on a treasure hunt around the house in pursuit of elusive objects is finding everything.  I had a ghastly list that included sunglasses, a teeny weeny portable printer .... Well you never know when it might come in handy, and a pack of make your own postcards and a tiny set of paints, some long lost flipflops, sun cream, mos spray and a working watch.  I have everything except the working watch.  I have found 16 non working watches but they all need new batts.  Maybe I do have a watch batt somewhere.  No I am just too tired to look.  I will ask at Dixons tomorrow at the airport.  Well, I mean I will buy one rather than ask them if they know where I have put mine.

Globe trotty

I travel quite a lot; not perhaps as much as an international business man but about three or four trips abroad a year.  This will be my third this year, second on my own. I have never thought to have copies of things like passport, insurance doc or credit cards.  I just fly away without a care in the world but suddenly it has dawned on me that I should take some precautions.  If I lost my passport I would be stuffed.  I would only be able to describe it as a small red EU book containing a dreadful photo of self. I did so much prefer them when they were big and black.  I have therefore made Mr Smith delve into the archives of his filing system to furnish me with an insurance policy.  He sighed a lot but for once I am being sensible here.  A novelty, I know.

Anyway, now that I know my remains are fully covered for repatriation I can pack.

I have a horrendous 'to do' list to which Mr Smith has added items of extreme fatigue,  but he is getting me some spending money.  $50 should be enough.  I don't think so.  Oh well, I will get more at the airport which annoys him as it 1p more expensive. I have cleaned the kitchen but now he wants me to cook meals .... But I am going away!  I think I am supposed to put them all in freezer packs and mark them: Monday, Tuesday, May this choke you.

Now I really must pack.  Perhaps a list would be helpful.

Foody woo

Thought about it long and hard and finally decided to use up all leftover dried fruit and make a second Christmas cake.  Now there will be cake for all.  There is always the dread of it not cooking or cooking too much.  I never know; it seems desperately hit and miss which I suppose adds an element of fun to the proceedings.

We went to Roehampton Club for lunch and moaned about everything from the stupidity of the booking system to the awfulness of the pudding.  All we got was backchat.  Most annoying.  Now I feel full and angry.

Tomorrow is packing day when I lay everything out, decide it's all awful, go shopping for new stuff and repack.  My big kit bag is full of very heavy art materials.  My brain is full of very heavy paintings.  I have such great ideas that are just bursting to get out.  Shame I can't paint on the plane.  I will read my book and watch dreary films and eat tiny little compartmental meals as usual and put a great deal of energy into ignoring the person sitting next to me.

Making whoopee

I just realised I haven't made anything today.  Not like me.  Well, I have made a loaf of bread that I can smell baking away as I write and I have worked on a painting all morning.  It should be finished tomorrow. Thank heavens for Graham Norton without whom my Saturday mornings would be oh so dull.  I didn't last through Tony Blackbum because I was cold and hungry and needed lunch.  I did intend to go back but ended up having a lovely afternoon nap dreaming of the Caribbean which is where I am off to on Tuesday.  An adventure.

I swam this morning.  I felt invigorated.

I have just found all the cherries at the bottom of the cake.  Mr Smith was right after all, things were not quite as well distributed as they could have been, but for God's sake don't tell him.  I made my Christmas cake today.  So there's something else I made. Hope it's ok.  It seemed hopelessly uncooked after 2 hrs (it's only small) so I gave it a lot longer.  Oh well, by Christmas it should have matured nicely.  Last year I made my cakes in August and by December they were Amazing.  Just as well I made two as the first one got demolished the week before Christmas.

I need to do my Christmas shopping.  I might proceed to the shops tomorrow ... Oh no actually there is no time. I will have to go on Monday.  I will do all the stocking fillers and see if there are any other bits and bobs I can pick up for the fussy idiots who pass for male members of this family inc. dog.

Mr Smith is taking me out to lunch tomorrow.  How exciting you might think.  Wrong. Hold onto your hats.  We are going to the golf club to use up the remnant money on my card. His generosity knows no bounds and next year I am paying the sub.  Woohoo.

Even dots

The Lovely Claudia and her mother came to play and I painted roses on cakes.  These are SO easy.  Even the really bish ones look good when you see them later.  I tend to pick off the tops as there is something a bit off putting about all that food colouring.

Yesterday I seem to have spent the entire day taking and collecting my car from Wandsworth which Mercedes call Chelsea.  That was when I wasn't eating chocolate. Bad girl.  Make of the day: a Dundee cake.  Mr Smith had accused me of making dry Dundee cakes in the past.  I think it is supposed to be quite dry but I changed the recipe as Mary uses too much flour.  It was perfecto but Mr Smith complained the fruit had fallen to the bottom - so I pushed it into his face.  Actually there is a good even distribution of fruit throughout, it has not sunk remotely, so there Raisin Face.

Dorothy, Kirsty and me.

I followed the yellow brick road to the V&A Hollywood costume exhibition.  It was very good.  I met blue haired Lauren and got mistaken for Kirsty Allsop.

Make of the day: Some stretchers and a gold plastic heron in my vegetable garden whose legs I had to mend with wires up the insides ... Oh so clever.  He keeps falling over ... Oh not so clever... So now I have a lying down plastic heron in my vegetable garden.

Have your cake and stitch it

I met Lauren Blue Hair at the V&A and gave her some cakes I had sewn.  Well actually I baked them then painted the tops.  She is running an event with StitchLondon tomorrow night.  I can't go but was happy to donate cakes as well as some yarn. I wish them every success with their event.  Lots of people will be sewing away furiously to make a giant jigsaw puzzle of stitched messages. www.stitchldn.com

Rival Homes

I painted the bathroom white but it looks awful.  It needs about ten coats to cover the awful vinyl wallpaper.  I actually think it looked better before and trying to get to the top bits was absolute torture.

We looked at terrible houses, one too big and one too small.  I do not consider one loo which is in the bathroom sufficient for a whole house. Mr Smith has to have his own ... Preferably an outhouse.  The one that was too big had so many rooms none of which were a reasonable size.  It was a holiday home for someone with millions of children and friends not a retiring couple who want to be shot of their kids and enjoy life of their own in a smaller hovel.  I have found a beautiful house in the local town but it has nine bedrooms - mmmm, we only really need one or two.  I have found something simply dreadful that should outdo Mr Smith on unsuitability.

Golden Brown Boys

Best Boy is being golden with lovely manners and he is even tidying his room.  I love him so much when he is like this. I think their holiday was quite boring and the weather wasn't all that good although they are brown.  They seem pleased to be home.  I made them a huge welcome home dinner last night but the Apprentice did not deign to join us as he went to the pub.  I am rather cross with him.

Off to Kent today to finish that loo floor and paint the bathroom white.  Never a dull moment.  Before I go I have to go through my gigantic list of needs collecting them all like a treasure hunt from around the house and shed.  Mr Smith is very excited as he is showing his flat off to his friends tomorrow.  He is also taking me house hunting.  I know we haven't even finished this one yet!

I want leopard pyjamas... With feet and ears.  Mr Smith wants another wife.

They're back

The travellers are returned from Cypress. I have only seen one son so far, the Apprentice who was off very early to his apprentice electrician job in West London.  How was your brother? I enquired. "His usual self."  Oh I see.  Why must the Best Boy go out of his way to piss everyone off?  I suppose he behaves better on set.  I don't suppose a talking to will make the slightest difference.

Sensible Alison's children are far worse than mine.  Odd, hopeless, bossy and rude.  Miss Bossy is much the best.  Odd is seriously odd but holds down a job which is surprising.  Hopeless is just thick and disorganised with a dope habit a bit like the Best Boy who at least has good work ethic.  Rude is clever.  He is at Leeds University reading engineering but he is unutterably vile to his mother.  My children are much nicer than that.

I am now in turmoil about my website.  I think I might have to call in reinforcements .... To kill the awful web designer.

Happy Day

Glorious sunny day here but I am not gardening.  I reserve that activity for dreadful rainy days!  It is actually a cheese sarni and kip on the sofa afternoon for me.  I finished a painting this morning.  It could do with a few more palm trees actually but it is finished for now. Weehhee.

Had a bit of good news from the bank which makes a change.  That website man seems to be doing it a bit better although the pictures are still all squished and flat - hopeless!  I am at the point of paying him to go away. My remaining bathroom floor tiles arrived so that's what I will be doing over the weekend.

My car is at the garage for a service and I miss it.  Every time I look out I think it has been stolen.  I might mosey off to Wandsworth and sit and wait for it then I can be there when it comes round from its anaesthetic.

Mr Smith is taking me house hunting at the weekend.  What fun.

Peaks and troughs

At the weekend I bought some metal planters which are liners for wooden troughs.  I bought these from the world's worst salesman.  I would happily have bought the whole jardiniere complete with liners but he insisted on selling me only the liners thus doing himself out of a substantial sale.  He was like this with everything.  Oh no you don't want to buy that when you can make it yourself or buy a much cheaper one down the road.  I now have to make a jardiniere.  What a fag when I could have just bought one from him ready made.  Really what this is is a mounting block or a couple of wide steps on which one plonks pots and troughs in a staggered arrangement.  I might get out some bits of wood and make a start today then all I need are a few bolts and screws and a lick o' paint and Mr Smith can say "Bit wonky isn't it?" and I can kick him.

Received a photo of one son in Cypress.  Which Cypriot jail is housing the other one?

Busy Sea Bee

I spent most of the weekend laying a loo floor.

 

I ran out of tiles.  Counting is not what I do best.  I then covered three out of four chairs and photographed Mr Smith in all his golfing trousers for his 2013 Calendar.  Next year it'll be his underpants!

Home sweet home

Mr Smith wants to move house but I think it's just a ruse to get me to clear up our piggery of a home.  I might.  I am starting with the garden.

Dinner dates

Dinner was Good despite most of the sauces tasting vile and going wrong. I didn't fancy boring old pineapple and the damsons looked like they had seen better days and anyway were all mushy from being frozen so I made pineapple upside down pudding with lots of moscavado sugar and cream ... Just heaven.  I would definitely do that one again.  Two days later and I am still full.

I found a new Thai nail place in Putney.  The girls were kept in a cupboard and the head honcho opened it and got one out every now and again.  They were lovely and smiley and there were no fish in sight. I now have beautifully buffed and polished nails for a tenner.  I was even offered "tree" which I think was tea but I passed on that so will never know.

Today Mr Smith is taking me and my rather untrusty fold away trolly to the market to stock up on veg as we have not so much as a potato in our fridge.  My trolly tends to fold itself up at the worst possible moment so I have to drag this stupid lopsided thing through the market scraping it along the ground until I kick it - Mr Smith.  The trolly does not like to carry much more than a carrot and an onion and maybe a light lettuce.

I must paint, I must garden, I must order next year's calendars, and do the website stuff I have to do.  The man is making a bit of a bog up.  I labelled everything which took me all of Sunday and he has lost it all.  I am really cross.  He seems to have got it into a terrible mess.  This is not really what I wanted.  Never mind.  I will pay him and be dissatisfied forever.

New day, new hair

I am taking my grey roots to be dealt with.  I might try a before and after photo.  I might not as, whilst I don't mind looking a frightful old bat in the before, I would weep uncontrollably if I still looked an old bat afterwards.  These things are not cheap you know and I was thinking of getting my nails done, though those unsmiling Thai people get me down a bit.  They have nasty tanks of piranhas in the back and a snooty manner that makes me feel fat and dirty even if I am having a thin day and am straight from the bath.

The Good Evans are coming to dinner.  It is ages since I saw Unpresuming Ed and Sensible Alison. I am going to cook an amazing Cordon Bleu dinner .... I hope.

THE MENU

Silly little filo parcels filled with prawns and salmon decorated with dill to look poncey.
Fillet Steaks with some rather tricky sauce, potato dauphinois and oh I dunno whatever is rotting in the fridge.
Damson crumble with cream or fresh pineapple
Stinky cheese.

It is heaven without the boys.  They have been gone for a whole hour; it feels like heaven.

Annabel

Lost

Dear St Anthony,

It's getting bad.  If I wasn't quite so messy it might not be as bad but where are these things?

My USB stick. The one with all the bits on it that I need for my website.
The teeny little thingy from the camera that I left out in the rain.  It wasn't in the drawer where I thought it was.  Oh woe is me.
The tweezers that look like a little lady - I need to tweak.
My big camera that I lent to the Best Boy. I daren't ask him as he will shout at me or accuse me of "Having a go".  Pleasant requests like that usually result in that sort of retort.  Nice boy ... Not.

Oooh they are going on holiday tomorrow and I am so so excited.  The dog and I and Mr Smith can all play at home with no customers. Yippee.

Mr Smith has just declared he wants to sell our house.  Oh no.  I was just planning a lovely garden. I think the mortgage repayments are getting him down a bit.  I am sorry for him having no money and no job and no smile but there again I don't see why he should make me miserable too.  I hope we don't have to live in a one bedroom flat in Kent .... with two boys!  That would be a bit squeazy.

Well, I had better get out of bed and look lively as I am sure I am to be berated for something or other.  I will be golden wife and perfect mother and go and finish some paintings like a good artist.

Wrong bag

I seized the wrong bag from Mr Smith and ended up saving a load of ground elder and some lawn trimmings whilst my strawberry plants have all ended up at Wandsworth tip.  The Apprentice said they noticed as they tipped them in ... Why didn't they go in after them?  A 50ft drop is not so far compared to my wrath.

I should be gardening now but somehow all the verve has gone along with my strawberries.

Techno misery

I am having a website rebuild at vast expense.  Well, my website is looking a little yesteryear and I think it could do with an overhaul.  This has resulted in me having to firstly sort out the old domain and set up a new one, open a new account with a new web server, sit on helplines for hours and cry.  In the end I got angry and told the website man he would have to sort it out.  I cannot do this.  It turned out the main problem was I had spelt my name wrong.  I knew I should never have attempted this. Here's what I hate:  "It's really easy" then an hour later you are still in techno hell with a box of tissues.  One day I will have a lovely website.

It is raining.  Yesterday was a lovely day and I should have been gardening.  Garden is weedy.  I am fatigued.  I want the rain to stop and the weeds to stop and everything to stop.  Can I just stay in bed?  Mr Smith has put on his going to the tip clothes and is going to the tip with all the weeds from my previous gardening spate.  Good man.  Oh no, he has taken all my strawberry plants for replanting.  Oh he is such a pest; a bit like a giant slug.

Have now retrieved strawberry plants from back of car in nightdress in street in pouring rain.  Somehow this is completely my fault.  He zealously took my strawberry plant bag thinking it was weeds because he can't tell the difference which reminds me of when he hauled out the children's sunflowers just before they flowered because he thought they were Japanese knot weed.  It was about 20 years ago but there hasn't been much improvement since.

I must sort out and catalogue as many paintings as I can.  Then I have to resize them and send them to website man.  Actually, that beats gardening in the rain hands down.

Buzzy things

Things that have sent me bonkers recently:  Mr Smith, Mr Smith, Mr Smith, a buzzy fly at breakfast yesterday, Mr Smith, The Apprentice, The awful Best Boy, Mr Smith.

Let's just say the fly was probably the least annoying of any of them.  I need a holiday.  Only three weeks to wait.

I have great plans for my garden but they will have to wait til the summer.  I am paving huge swathes of it and going for pots.  I don't suppose Mr Smith will help remotely and he won't let me get anyone in.  I have bought far too many bulbs and will be planting til next year at this rate.  Maybe I will buy more pots.

I have finished the painting of Claudia's Garden at long last and have started doing something that I thought was a great idea but isn't.  I framed an old painting of mine and decided to extend the painting over the frame.  It looked so much better before.  I will soldier on then I have to set about finishing all the paintings I have started before I go away to the Caribbean for my proper painting session.  Then it all needs cataloguing and I can have a smiley.