Bring up the Branston

My news:Spun eggs don't work, my chutney stinks and I have a period.

Honestly, am I to be Britain's oldest menstruating woman? The only upside to this somewhat dull event is it gets me out of a really dreary do - Mr & Mrs Catatonic's annual Boat Race party. He always makes a point of telling us how he has just flown in from Thailand especially to be there whilst his poor wife trawled M&S for the eats. He usually implies he has had to drag himself out of the fleshpots of Bangkok to join us. I feel rather sorry for Mrs C but then I think it gives her a break from the tediousness of Mr C. On the grounds that I can't give a toss whether Oxford or Cambridge sink and I find watching 16 little ants rowing twigs down the Thames from Mr Catatonic's roof garden a hideously unexciting event (please don't step on the Feng Shui gravel or touch the Rune stones ... they saw him coming!), I am feigning terrible period pains and staying in prostrate upon the sofa with a really crappy film for mental stimulation. Actually, I have a hangover from over imbibement of fine wines (cheap Soave) but don't tell Mr Smith or his dreary golf cronies.

I made chutney yesterday afternoon. I did exactly as Delia prescribed, boiling it all up for three and a half long hours. Our house is overcome with the smell of boiled vinegar. Every soft surface has ingested the stench that makes your eyes stream and your throat close up. I have opened every window and door ... wide .... to no effect; now the garden smells too. And don't tell me it will have gone by tomorrow because it is tomorrow and it hasn't. I know it is several months until the chutney matures by which time the smell might have dissipated. Next time we need chutney Mr Smith will buy some.

Wonderful Easter coven meeting, prior to the chutney situation when my house just smelt of dog and boys. The Lovely Claudia bought me daffodils and the Marvelous Mad Carina gave me a telephone box keying which could be topical but I am not exactly sure. I was just thinking a present or two is just what I need to make the world a cheerier place. Oh brilliant friends. The Lovely Claudia showed me how to Hula whilst Mad Carina was a brilliant audience. She thought my cheapie hoop from Asda was rather painful as it has ridgy bits that dig into you. I have ordered a posher one from Amazon and am particularly looking forward to Gary the Postman delivering it. I gave them cupcakes to take home. Next time I'll do party bags.

I have just found a request on Freecycle for jam jars with lids. Do you think they'd mind if some are full of chutney?