International day of coleslaw

I asked Mr Smith to buy an industrial sized pack of plastic coleslaw when he was at the supermarket as my effort for our Jubilee Street Party is to provide coleslaw. He thought that wasn't playing the game so he bought a cabbage and some carrots. I thought this was just a matter of shredding it all up, adding a bit of S&P along with the scrapings of all our old mayonnaise jars. Well, it wasn't like that at all. The carrots shredded very nicely but a little too finely and the cabbage woudn't shred at all. The kitchen and the dog are covered in little bits of carrot and cabbage. The mayo has somehow stuck all the shredded carrots into one big lump and the cabbage won't mix in very well and Mr Smith's opinion is "It's not a bit like the stuff from Waitrose."