Fatty goes shopping

I spoke to my friend Hotel Gwen on the island of Nevis, a little jewel of heavenly loveliness in the Caribbean sea. She is having such a hard time managing her hotel where everyone's thick and lazy and they all hate her. I am going there next week and she is so excited. Me too. I'm sure they don't really hate her; it's just that they need to get used to someone new. A bit like me with my children except I am not new but they just hate me anyway.

I went to the dentist yesterday and now have a perfect front tooth. Hooray I can eat biscuits again. Oh no I can't; I am hauling my enormous fat self along a Caribbean beach in seven days a bit like a giant walrus. I don't want to be any bigger. On the way back from the dentist I popped into H&M where I bought two perfect bits of holiday wear - neither of which fit ..... remotely. Back to the shops I go. Everything looked huge in big sizes but sadly I am bigger. So it's going to be a week of meagre portions and much jumping around for me. I know it's all much too late but I would like to decrease myself a little bit. Shall I take the clothes back or put them in the wardrobe and let them grow? .... with the others.

Mr Smith has gone to early golf in the dark. He has stolen my car because his doesn't work. This to me is like borrowing my toothbrush; I am far from comfortable about it. He has just rung me to ask how to put petrol in it. Yes, he is that useless. I think he wanted me to trot round to the petrol station and do it for him. At 6am! I don't think so. Mr Smith's out all day so the dog and I can stay in bed lazily and work out our exercise plan. Actually, I might walk to the swimming pool and do something fat and splashy, then walk back. This afternoon is a toss up between afternoon film and a fitness DVD. I usually take about the same amount of exercise in front of both as I lie on the sofa watching the thin fit people wiggling about. At least Mr Smith won't be here looking at the pretty model/instructor then at fat sweaty puffing me "Gosh, the resemblance is uncanny." Just go away, borrow my car forever.