Poo Day

Mr Smith was an absolute whizz at driving a van. He wore very scruffy clothes which I was annoyed about as it implied my boxes and furniture would be in some way dirty.  We arrived at the smelly damp warehouse in Sussex to find a good coating of mould on everything.  His sartorial sense was right, mine was wrong ... as usual. 

We went to Pizza Hut for lunch because it was easy to park the van there. Mr Smith had four helpings at the eat all you can. Honestly, I don't know where he puts it all, he's super thin.  I ate all I could and felt absolutely stuffed and my stomach stuck out like a beer belly.  I then tried to fill in my calorie diary - that was a bit of a joke.  I found bathroom scales amongst all my putrid stuff.  They pong a bit but tell me how damned fat I am. 

All my chattels are home and it is all pretty mouldy.  It basically stinks. I am washing and washing and washing.  It might be easier to throw some of the cushions away and start again.  All the throws absolutely reek.  I have washed one and hung it out and tumbled it with yucky fabric conditioner and still it pongs.  Now it's raining so I can't even put things outside.  Our house smells very musty and it is making me cough.  Spores.  Mr Smith told me to go somewhere else if I was going to cough as it was annoying him.  So kind.  Apparently I need something called Fabreeze.  I think it's for the furnishings not my cough.

I looked up how to remove mouldy smells from soft furnishings on Google and it involved some bleach followed by vinegar.  Everything now smells bleachy/vinegary/musty.  You need to wash it all twice.  I will be here forever.  The pile is mighty high.

Oh eff no.  I have ordered the wrong size curtains.  Oh woe is me.  I hope the curtain company can rectify my awful mistake.  I needed 4 curtains in total for the bay window so I ordered two pairs. Wrong!  I boobed it up completely.  Then there is the dilemma of the bed.  Do not try and do up a house from afar.  It is so difficult trying to get things delivered on time. I now have to make the bedroom curtains myself.  I can mess them up too.

I decided to off load some of our china on Freecycle.  A witch just appeared at my door to collect it.  I know I have off days but this woman just had to be one of the most terrifying sights to behold with long witchy hair, dreadful skin, awful teeth, hippy witchy garb and a broomstick.  Ok, she didn't have a broomstick. What was so odd is she was very well spoken and actually had a really pretty face.  A good lesson to us all if we don't keep up with our dental care and moisturiser and trips to the hairdresser.

I am off to Alexandra Palace later today for something lovely (and not a bit mouldy) that I will tell you about tomorrow. 










The duvet I have doesn't fit in my covers, the

Sisters three

Excellent Coven meeting today.  We chatted and ate cupcakes and I showed off as I am wont to do with best friends.  Having finished those heavenly cows I had to show and tell.  Then there was the jigsaw puzzle of one of my paintings, the Great Big Cake that I had taken out of the freezer and the newly painted cakes.   Painting cakes is a technique I have yet to perfect; it involves vodka and a bit of effort but I will get the hang of it one day.  The lovely friends all seem to like my cupcakes and take them home leaving me with none. This is no bad thing as I am awfully porky these days and I cannot find a diet that involves eating any form of gooey cake.  I put the GBC back in the freezer as nobody wanted to eat a mermaid.  Mr Smith thought we had eaten the whole thing.  Not even in our most starving moments would we do that.

And now to Sussex to relinquish my chattels from the grips of a particularly nasty storage firm who won't let me have my things so they can charge me more money for storage or an extortionate amount to deliver them.  We are hiring a van.  Mr Smith will be driving a white van .... you may want to make your journey by train today, especially if you are a cyclist.  I am so excited about seeing all my stuff again.  My paintings, my ornaments, my quilts and rugs, my umbrella stand, my big wooden chest, my kitchen stuff.  Of course Mr Smith doesn't want any of it.  Tough tit.  Whose flat?  Who's Queen?

Next week we take it all to Kent except I decided I couldn't quite face doing that so I ordered removals.  I went on a Go Compare Removals website and put in my details.  The phone goes every ten minutes and my inbox is full.  I chose Ramon who speaks dodgy English but assures me will be offering "very bestest of personal services for you".  He was cheaper than anyone else.

Moooving on

I quite miss those cows.  I am now well into my painting of the Lovely Claudia's Garden.  The only slight problem I have is my photographs were so awful it is a bit like doing a jigsaw with no picture and half the bits missing.  Anyway, I will give it my best shot and it might not look remotely like her garden but it will look like someone else's garden. I can always fill bits in later.

The new sofa has arrived for the seaside and every room is filled with bits of furniture and boxes ready for our big move which I so wish we were not attempting ourselves. I still might get removals people because some of things are very heavy and, although I might in the eyes of Mr Smith look like a big irish navy, I am not willing to put my back out loading up all this stuff. 

So exciting, I have ordered the curtains for the seaside sitting room.  They are very stripey.  Positively deck chair!  I have to find some fabric for the bedroom.  I have no idea what but I suppose I will know when I see it.  As long as Mr Smith doesn't become all poo faced about my choice I will be happy.  I am getting through some serious money. 

And now I have cakes and bread to bake.  It is absolutely lovely being me today. 

Prodigal washing

Mr Smith and the Apprentice went to Kent super early.  Mr Smith was golfing and the Apprentice was doing our electrics.  I was left alone all day to gaze into space but I didn't.  I went to Ikea and bought three pairs of scissors and a sofa.  The sofa will be delivered tomorrow.  Happy me.  I then went to Boots and bought absolutely everything I could think of for every part of my body.  I hope it appreciates it.

The Best Boy appeared having been away for a few days.  He produced a mountain of laundry which he left with me then disappeared for another four days of film making ... With no warm top or jacket. He had left them in the wash!  I gave him money to buy something .... From the charity shop.  Mustn't spoil the boy even though I did feel sorry for him; he is a trifle idiotic.

And now I have to cook a roast chicken dinner for my returning tribesmen.  Oh what a good woman I am.  Mr Smith should treasure me.

Pastures new

The cows went to their new home after me having a great deal of last minute panic.  Their owners were ecstatic and paid me.  They were so happy. After playing at their house for a bit - making tiny little wings for tiny cows and eating vast quantities of chocolate buttons, we all went out for dinner.  It was a lovely evening with too much food, too much wine and a train journey home feeling a bit squiffy.

Yesterday we went to Kent to see our new abode.  GarrytheBuilder had transformed the place.  The Apprentice has to go and do some electrics there.  Is this a wise thing letting your son do your wiring?   Anyway we loved it and next week it changes colour then the new carpets go down and we can fill it with furniture.  I am bursting with excitement. It really is going to be a lovely little retreat.

I have written off so many clothes with art projects various.  In fact I think I have almost no raiment without some sort of blemish upon it.  So we went to Ashford Retail Outlet heaven where I bought trousers in every colour and size as I never know if I am going to be fat or thin.  Cows made me thin with worry, Kent makes me fat with contentment. I also bought a handbag that I don't actually need because it was super cheap and fun and jazzy and just so me. Mr Smith was most encouraging.  maybe he thought I should have a treat after all my hard work.  Or maybe he just wanted a quiet life.

Cow palace

The cows now have a beautiful canopy over their stupid bodies.  I had a dreadful time putting it up as this is a job for 4 people not one.  Every time I put one pole up the other fell apart until the whole thing collapsed.  And it was raining. In the end I had to call upon the services of a rather stroppy Best Boy; he's always in a mood, that one.  Anyway, I now have happy cows who I caught laughing as the sun came out when I had finished erecting my marquee.  Oh God, I will be so pleased to see the back of them; they make me ill with worry.

 

I am making a list of lovely things to do when the cows are done.  Hairdressers, new clothes, outing to the Bronze exhib at the RA, making cupcakes, having my nails done, buying new makeup and choosing some curtain fabrics for the seaside flat.

Next job is a painting of the Lovely Claudia's garden.  Admittedly this is for no money but who cares? It's just stress free.  I need to do something I actually enjoy and gives me a feel good feeling.  I am supposedly filming this painting on time lapse Best Boy permitting.  He is a bit time lapse himself as he seems to live in a different time zone to any of us.  Anyway, the master plan is to make a little film of the painting appearing on the canvas.  How exciting.

And now to sort out one really big fat wing and one really skinny wing.  they only asked for wings ... Not a pair of wings.

Dancing another day

Well, it transpires the golf dinner dance, that I would rather impale myself on a Big Bertha than attend, is actually next weekend not Sat as I had thought.  That gives Mr Smith another whole week in which to change his mind about attending.  He had better not!

I am dismayed to see it raining all over the cows.  Oh dear.  I will go to Argos and procure one of those gazebo thingies.  They're only £18 and will keep the cows dry.  However, I will probably waste an entire morning erecting the damned thing.

Living in a state of extreme nervousness cannot be good for one.  I just get so damned stressed about these projects.  I really must learn to work within my comfort zone.  That means occasionally saying NO.  I so wish I had never taken on this cow project; it is so beyond me.  I am getting there but I wish I had another three weeks not three days!  But Mr Smith likes me to earn the occasional crust and the cow money will pay the builder at the seaside as opposed to Mr Smith paying the builder at the seaside which is what I had in mind.

Sorry I can't see beyond wings and udders these days ... Come Thursday I can return to the real me and it will all be cupcakes and paintings.  How Mr Smith will like that!