Lassie Come Home

I have lost the dog.  I left him outside the corner shop and he is gone. I have tried everyone and everywhere and have compiled his Wanted posters.  The corner shop didn't even display it.  Oh Basil, where are you, you smelly bag of fur?  Oh how I miss you.   Apparently someone took him into care as I had abandoned him.  But I hadn't.  Oh please, please, bring him back.  I am beside myself.

The Bronze Age on Thursday

Did you know you are not allowed to say BC any more?  It is now BCA or BCE Before the Common Age or Common Era.  No Anno Domini either,  ACA.  I despair.  I found this out at the Bronze Exhibition at the RA where I was amazed to note that a wonderful statue of a large man from 1000 BC (I am making a point here) was missing a leg but his willy had stayed perfectly intact.  You would think the smaller bits would have worn away first. Mother in Law took me and after we had cultured and had a lovely lunch, we went to buy fabrics and blinds in John Lewis.  She was very helpful and we chose the perfect cheap and cheerful blind for the kitchen and some excellent stripes to cover the mouldy dining chairs.  I am so glad I squeezed that in between Kent trips. 

Now just a loo roll holder and a loo brush and I can relax before working out what to do with my hideous bathroom. 

The curious incident of the dog in the night

I absolutely love my new flat in Kent now.  We moved in on top of the builders, adding to their pile. Everything arrived - new bed, new fridge, new dishwasher.  I busied myself assembling flat packed furniture wrong.... twice. You cannot open the oven or saucepan cupboard as dishwasher is in the way.  Oh well, who wants to cook when they are on holiday?  As long as you can wash the plates from the takeaways all is well.

After an exhausting day of packing and unpacking we went to investigate the local indian restaurant.  They had horrid smelly candles and awful clientelle.  Well I dare say there were some very nice other diners; we just weren't in their vicinity.  The big fat Loud family effed and blinded throughout our curry until they got their food whereupon they shut up as they crammed it all into their big fat gobs. We might try the other indian next time.

Our bedroom is large and yellow and needs curtains which I am rustling up.  Our dog is annoying and busy.  He wouldn't settle in his basket in the kitchen so I transferred it to our room which was a pointless exercise as he safaried around the room all night picking a fight with a very scrunchy bean bag.  Feeling exhausted in the morning, I thought I would take him for a coastal walk to invigorate me.  He was settled angelically in his basket viewing me with one eye as if to say "Nah, if you want a walk go ahead, I'm a bit tired." 

We came back to London as Mr Tiger Smith was playing golf with a squirrel.  Well, that is a squirrel made a hole in his bag and scurried off with his sandwich.  Poor Mr Smith watched forlornly as his elevenses disappeared down the fairway.

Last night we went to the local pub as we had been invited for a free dinner.  This is because they are relaunching it from a spit and sticky carpet dive into a beautiful elegant restaurant with lovely food and superb decor.  Our dinner was not as free as it should have been and I pointed out if they wished to see us or any of our neighbours again they had better forget the extra charges for vegetables and pudding.  They agreed and Mr Smith stopped moaning.  Mrs Fixit on the case again.  I ate and drank far too much and now have a horrid hangover.  However, I will definitely go there again.  Kings Head, Roehampton High Street - Mrs Smith recommends. 

Get me out of here

The weather looks absolutely ghastly.  I should be building an ark but instead am going to Kent to see a man about a carpet and things.  Mr Smith, in his irritating interferring way, put all my furniture outside to air yesterday and it got left there overnight.  It is now very wet. In fact it is soaked through and will take days and days to dry out.  I am so cross.  It did not need to go outside any more; enough air.  It was aired as aired could be.  Anyway, I do not know if I will ever get my little chair dry and where is Golly?  He is a very small gollywog of whom I am fond.  I bet a fox got him.  I will send Mr Smith out in the pouring rain to find him.  I started my search in the dark but the rain trickled down the back of my nightie.  I have sent Mr Smith and the dog out in the downpour to get money from the money machine for the builder.  They are taking their time - extra sniffing or 7am muggers? 

I am worried about my forthcoming Caribbean trip as all my friends are scattering to the winds.  I am not spending ten days on a tropical island in solitary confinement.  Gwen jacked in her job as hotel manager as it was wholly impossible.  I don't blame her really.  AgentAnnie will be in England having her baby.  The whole point of the trip was to meet her and get things organised for the Big Show in March. Whilst I am delighted she is sprognant I am not best pleased about my jolly hols.

Yesterday I went to buy some bulbs to cheer up my garden come Spring.  I did very well, spent plenty of dosh, bought loads of tulips, daffs and crocuses then I looked at my garden.  It will take me at least a week to clear all the weeds before I can even consider planting.  Oh well.  Mac and wellies on.  Just as well I have not yet retired all my old anoraks to the seaside yet.

I am not in a very good mood to start my Wednesday.  I hope it improves.  I have yet to shout at my kids and eat my cornflakes ... both violently.

Splodging on

Aha, phone found down wellington boot.  What the heck was it doing in there, calling my socks?

This morning it was my turn to head the SOTB  (Stay Off the Booze) Forum on the internet and, having carefully mulled over my words with extreme care I then completely messed it up and ended up posting it 4 times like a complete drunk!  Someone somewhere sorted it out.  Thank heavens.  Honestly all these women with phds in psychology write all this eloquent philosophical stuff then on comes me with the ramblings of a nursery school child.  Oh well.  At least they can understand mine.  It was about park bench versus cocktail hour drinking or something, of which I am wholly unqualified to comment but thinking of joining the former (for research purposes only).

Now I am stuck in Claudia's Garden.  This painting is a bit like doing a jigsaw with no picture and half the pieces missing.  This is usually because the dog has eaten them.  Anyway I am getting there and I secretly rather like this painting. I am visiting Claudia in her garden this afternoon in order to fill in the gaps and see next door's cat who I think would add a little something to the pic ... not just a brown splodge.

Big problems with bed delivery.  I will not get my bed before we move into Kent on Friday due to a man with a Yorkshire accent and a broken down van.  Great!  I am rather tetchy.  I will either have to put up with the broken one or .... well I don't know what really.  It is far too big to go in our car. Righty ho luv, says lady from bed shop.  I'll give you righty ho alright and I am not your luv!

I am trying to make curtains.  I am getting angry.  I hate making bloody curtains.  I will go to B&Q and buy masses of bulbs instead. Actually, is that where I bought them last year and none of them grew?  Mmmm.  I just seem to throw them into shallow graves.  I will try once more.



 

Chocky wocky ...oh is that it?

Bit of a bummer today.  I've lost my phone and, as I had turned down the ring volume, I can ring it all I like and never hear a squeak from it.

I am still a contender for that prize - Britain's Oldest Menstruating Woman. So nice to be reminded once again.  And my hair has gone mad. 

I had an email from cow people to say the paint on the wings of one of the cows is bubbling a bit.  Oh how jolly.  Tough tit ... for now.

The chocolate show I went to, Chocolate Unwrapped, wasn't as spectacular as I had hoped.  There were no giant chocolate creations just polite little bars and boxes of chocs with teensy samples.  I ate 4,000 teensy samples until I felt sick.  They had bigger ones on the Lindt stand.  I had some of those too.  There was no water.  Parched beyond description I staggered to M&S for a bottle of water where I accidentally bought a coat, as one does.

Mad Carina has become unmad.  She is seriously taking herself in for correction.  This means no more endless mad gifts at five minute intervals with cards thanking me for being her friend.  Oh bollocks. She also looks a lot better these days.  It transpires her mother is living with her and I think Mad Carina realises it is time to grow up and show her mother that she is responsible and sensible.  Well, about time too. She is also on a diet.  However, I do note that she has bought the Lovely Claudia a ghastly birthday present.  Last Christmas she gave me some china that is particularly hideous.  Claudia waxed lyrical about it as we didn't like to say it was anything other than lovely.  Claudia and I had a good laugh about how simply awful it is when Carina had left.  That'll serve her right for being such a two faced cow ... and now she has some too just like me.

Ooooh goody John Lewis are delivering my new duvets tomorrow and the bed to put one of them on is due as well. Then, dare I say it, I think we have everything ready for Kent move on Friday.  Fingers crossed.

Ali Pali and me

Yesterday evening I received an email demanding an extra £50 from the storage people.  Apparently it is a handling charge.  What, for making all my stuff mouldy?   There didn't seem to be much evidence of handling as far as I can make out.  Anyway, I am not paying it and have handed the task over to Mr Smith.  When he was supping his red o'er the osso bucco I had cooked he promised to deal with these people in the strongest terms.  Good for him.  Bullying women is not very nice.  By the light of day he is a right pinny wearing girl.  Oh you can deal with it he says.  No I can't.  I think a man's voice will get it all sorted in no time.  Go Smithy Go.  Be my hero .... for once.

Last night I went to the launch of the Unfinishable Project's book and show.  It was brilliant. My one sock and unfinished glove felt proud to be part of such a great exhibit. I didn't stay long but the great thing is I got to see all the exhibits at the Knitting and Stitching show without any smelly people.  I got very wet waiting for a bus up at Alexandra Palace. It's just as well I know the view is great from there because you couldn't see one inch in front of your steamed up specks. 

Mr Smith has hung everything mouldy outside and opened all the doors.  The place is beginning to smell less like an old junk shop and a bit fresher.  The cushions required so many washes that vastly exceeded their value in electricity, soap powder etc.  Some I threw away.  Some are just airing.  Fabreeze and sunshine are apparently great for this kind of thing.  I am chucking as many of the mouldy disintegrating boxes as possible and replacing things in big plastic containers of which I have billions.  I just went big with the tupperware.