Day of Judgement

I love Fridays because Mr Smith does the housework and shopping and gardening.  I hate Fridays because Mr Smith is around all day and I feel I am being monitored.  I like staring into space, staying in bed and not doing much whilst he performs all the tasks.  It's what I do best.

Oh well, better get the old overalls on and out to the cows to prep their wings and mend and paint.  I am a little trooper, me.  Mad Carina is coming to visit later this morning and admire the cows.  I haven't seen her for ages and she's had a turn since our last when she was incarcerated in the loony bin and met a woman who was suffering from a conspiracy theory who showed Carina how to make a bomb.  I am looking forward to learning.  Maybe I could blow up the cows, ring the owner and explain there has been an awful accident.  Then I can make my cake.

Must get the dog's toenails clipped; they have grown into horrible talons that make a nasty clacking noise on the kitchen floor and make him rather lame.  Maybe the vet could do my toenails at the same time.

Oh for the wings of a cow

I went to the gym again today.  A personal trainer sat on me.  This is rather good actually; they stretch out your muscles and bend you and push your legs into uncomfortable positions then sit on you.  I must point out they are tiny little gymnastic looking girls not beefy men.

The cows are lowing.  I am idling .... waiting for materials to arrive.  I will paint the cows cream whilst I wait.  It is so lovely and sunny out and I feel rather well with my gymning and swimming.  I normally want to curl up on the sofa with a rerun of Corrie for mental stimulation of an afternooon but today I feel industrious.

Yesterday was my laundry day but I got a bit sidetracked along the way and forgot to peg out Mr Smith's clothes.  I did so later in the afternoon.  I then put mine on to tumble .... nobody will know.  Mr Smith came home whilst I was on the telephone to my mother.  "What time did you put these out?  Why is the tumble drier running on the hottest day of the year?"  9am like you asked me and the line was full so I thought I'd just get them done and out of the way.  A bird had pooed on his shirt.  Honestly you would have thought I had done it the way he went on.  He said it was because I had hung the shirt up late and the wrong way.  I thought a bit of subversive pegging out would go undetected; I didn't know we had grassy birds.  I ploughed through a mighty pile of ironing which he told me should have been done last week.  It was, it regenerated.  I noticed he was wearing his dalek socks.   I knew dinner was going to be a hoot.  The sauce wasn't quite right or something and it was the wrong kind of pasta.  He gave it to the dog who has had hiccups ever since. 

I wish I had a seaside abode.  The purchase of Kent has been delayed; our flat I mean, not the whole county.  I must cow.

Sweat sweat pants

I went for my Induction at the gym.  Can we stop now, I have really had enough?  That's just the warm up.  Oh.  Today I ache.

We bought a new dishwasher.  Well done.  It was not that easy actually; I won't bore you with every detail but just let you know you pay more for the thing to not have a front than a nice white one.  We want it to disguise itself as a kitchen cupboard so that's an extra £100 then we want them to install it and take the old one away, add another £100.  So really, the price is not the price and it is very expensive.  The alternative of washing up by hand is just not an option.  I hardly manage the saucepans.

I am waiting for my jigsaw puzzle to arrive.  This is very exciting.  My picture wasn't exactly the right dimensions and I couldn't sort it out because the customers wanted dinner and were starting to get tetchy and the Great British Bakeoff was on the telly.  Will they have cut off all the monkeys? Probably.

Today I will paint some cow's wings and design an amazing mermaid cake.  Sometimes it is mad being me.

Terrific Tuesday

What excitements do we have planned today then?  Oh yes, in a moment of desperation in pursuit of the ever elusive body beautiful, I joined the gym.  Today I get induced.  I think this induction involves some kind of assessment of my fitness levels which probably come in at a little below those of my sofa.  I hate gym.  I will give it a whirl and probably make an arse of myself then never go again.

I am beginning to hate the cows.  Don't tell them .... Please.  They are really difficult.  My friend Gordon Engineer rang me yesterday.  Oh what perfect timing.  He was kind and helpful and is going to give me lots of real advice on how to cast and attach new wings.  Ollie Pigeon was quite helpful but Gordon has lots of free kit for us.

Hooray, seaside flat purchase has been delayed by a few days, possibly a week.  May it stumble over many more legal problems.  I just need to get my cows out of the way.  Then the cake.  Then the next painting.  Then my holiday to the Caribbean.  Then Christmas.

Later this afternoon I am meeting Mr Smith in John Lewis to buy a new dishwasher.  Our current one is so awful it's time to throw in the tea towel.  I don't find this sort of purchase terribly exciting unlike shoes or dresses.  At least I don't have to try it on.

Gooey brains

Yesterday morning I zealously cowed but I didn't add enough hardener to the filler so it wouldn't set. Oh well, it probably will eventually.  I decided to eat chocolate in front of Cinderella whilst I waited.  It still didn't harden so I had a Magnum and watched the unbelievably beautiful Vivian Leigh as Anna Karenina - Kiera you really have your work cut out girl.  The filler was still sticky so I scraped it off and redid it.  I now need more kit and go for a swim to sort out my hideous weight gain and get some of the filler out of my hair.

It's a diet day today.  Whilst it's quite liberating not having to eat much of course all I do all day is obsess about food.  The forbidden biscuit becomes oh so desirable.  I will stay focused on my cows' wings which are supposed to look like smooth stone but actually look like moon.  They did look like mouldy cheese so there is a notable improvement.  I will just stay busy. I am trying to work out how to cast these wings and attach them to the other cow and design a big blue seaside cake whilst thinking of Claudia's garden.  You don't want to look inside my head, it's very strange.

I bought Mr Smith a device to help him cut straight slices of bread.  It looks a bit like a big toast rack.  The idea is you put your loaf into it and cut between the bars.  That bread slicer thing is useless, he says.  He's broken it.  Back to hunks and chunks for him then.  I will see if I can get a better one in Lakeland, if I can get past their obsequious over politeness.  I would love to find someone offhand in that shop - just for fun.

Fire fire - no really, there is a fire.

My cow mending went very well and the first cow will end up with beautiful smooth wings ..... in about a fortnight of constant sanding day and night until I ache. The second cow is outside in the garden eating grass.

I have worked out I am now busy every day til late November.  I have simply taken on too much work.  Never mind; I will do it and keep Mr Smith happy.  Yesterday the Apprentice did all the jobs on my task list - well, not the ironing or making a prize winning cake, painting Claudia's garden or making a picnic for Mr Smith's outing to Lords tomorrow.  But he did all my boring computing jobs including setting up my Internet banking and moving money from my account into his.  "No mother, you haven't got the hang of this at all, let me show you again with a bit more money."

 I was just settling down to the crossword at the end of a cow day when there was a loud bang outside my front door.  I nonchalantly looked up thinking a skip had fallen off a lorry or something.  Suddenly there was an explosion and huge flames poured out of the front end of a dark blue Mercedes.  Why did they have to park right outside my house?  Is this taxicab wars?  I stood mouth ajar for a bit as though this wasn't real then thought I had better summon a fire engine.  Please come quick before the rear end goes because that will blow out our windows for sure.  I have to hand it to them, the fire brigade were so speedy and arrived in a trice.  I admired firemen for a bit with the rest of the street then chatted to the car owner who looked a little shaken. He wasn't a taxi driver.  He was simply a rather posh man driving his rather posh car when he noticed his car getting a bit hot so pulled over and .... Kerpow.  Now his car is toast, very burnt toast, wet burnt toast with white foam.  Mrs Nosey made tea for the firemen and police which she brought out on a silver tray.  The Apprentice made a film on his phone that we played to Mr Smith and the Best Boy when they got home.  It was jolly exciting, if a little frightening.  No other cars were harmed in the making of this film.  

A grand day out

Having seen the particulars for a flat with a garden for sale in Kent, Mr Smith headed the scouting party, consisting of me, the Apprentice and the dog, off to the coast for the day.  It was a gorgeous sunny day so we ignored the cold wind and embraced the sea air.  The flat was too small and a bit studenty, the only redeeming feature being a little studio in the garden.  It made us quietly confident about the one we are about to buy.  I am happy and, more importantly, so is Mr Smith.

We went to Mr Smith's golf club for a dose of crustiness.  It makes me feel as though I am on the set of an Agatha Christie, Murder on the Links.  We had lunch at Dungeness; nuclear fish and chips which was just perfect.  After a trudge along the very hard work shingle we mooched off to Rye.  Mr Smith had his face on and was starting to whinge.  We paid no attention and set off to potter about the antique shops and cobbled streets preventing Mr Smith, who had cheered up a bit, from buying a butter churn.  We took him to an art exhib instead.  It was very good.  Even Mr Smith, who wanted to stay outside because it cost 50p, agreed it was enjoyable.  I paid.

We ended up at Ashford Retail Outlet which for me is a bit like heaven, even more so because I will pass it every time I visit the Kent coast.  I bought some Zara Phillips riding clothes for my goddaughter, Lizzie, so she can ride like Zara and get lots of medals.

I got home to two cows and an email "Congratulations, your cake has been selected as one of the winning entries to our Seaside Cake competition".  Oh bugger.